Butet is my nickname

They call me “butet”.
This is my nickname at home. Now, I’m 27 years old and they still call me butet.
Honestly, while I was a child, I really hated when my parents or my brothers and sisters called me ‘butet’, and very extremely hated if they called me like this in front of my friends. Too ugly for me I think..he..he…
But now, I love that name.
What…? Yes..I do.
I don’t know why, I feel at home, comfort and really safe if they called me butet. Also I would feel strange if they didn’t call me butet. Now, not only my parents, my brothers and sisters, but also my brothers and sisters in law call me butet, my nephews and my nieces too, my great big family call me butet....bou butet, tante butet....heheh but I feel good with this. I think that I have a special name in my family, precious name I think. It doesn’t matter if they’ll forget to call my real name.

“Butet” is a name for a baby girl in Batak ethnic, and “Ucok” is for a baby boy. So, why do my family still call me butet although I’m not a baby girl anymore, I’m growing up now?. Wow…I never though about it before, so I have to ask about it. I’ll call my mom after this he…he…

I wish, until I’m going old, be a wife, to be a mom they will still call me butet, “butet, eda butet, ‘bou butet, tante butet, butet...butet”, sounds beautiful. And may be God also calls me butet.? He..he…I’ll ask then.:)

tak sama

Jangan marah padaku
Jangan membenciku
Karena kini aku berubah dan berbeda

Jangan jauhi aku
Dan jangan hukum aku
Karena aku tidak seperti yang engkau harapkan

Aku tidak lagi sama…
Waktu tidak memberiku ruang untuk selalu sama
Waktu mengubahku, memaksaku tumbuh dewasa

Aku kini berubah...
Dengan pandangan yang berbeda
Memandang hidup dan cinta

Kamu tidak rela,
Kamu tidak setuju,
Aku harus berbuat apa?

Perubahan adalah ketidaktetapan, katamu
Dan tanda ketidaksetiaan,
Itulah aku kini
Maka, maafkanlah aku.

Keep me awake

A w a k e

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give us more time to feel this way
We can’t stay like this forever
But I can have you next me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell me how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can’t stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We’ll let tomorrow wait, you’re here, right now, with me.
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

I will remember
I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today.
~~~~ Josh Groban ~~~~

Early morning, I started my day with this song. And I remember him.

It is still new year, but I’m out of spirits. I don’t know why. Sometimes, I wish to hear the melancholic music, watch a romantic movie, be alone, lay down in my bed, imagine a romantic relation with some one, see the sunset in the beach or just feel the wind blows.
Am I being silly? or is it a mental sickness sign?

What happen with me?
I’m trying to get up by calling my mom, my sisters and my friends, just to talk and spend my days. I attempt reading, watching tv, chattings and playings with others, and I’m not recovered, my mind actually.
My goodness, where has my strength and my spirit gone?

You!
It’s all because of you.
I’m sorry, I should not blame you with this.
This is not about you, but me, my heart and my mind.
But it wouldn’t happened to me if you’re not in. You came to my life, left an a beauty impression inside of my soul. A month ago, it was december on Christmas time, though only one day, we spent our time together, deeply, you touched my heart, in to my soul.
And then, you walked away, leave me with so many question in my mind.
How can I wash away that from my heart?
And how could it happen to me?
And how dare you are, left me in a maze?

Too bad, really bad if we are expecting some one to be care of us, but they aren’t. If we love them, and they aren’t, if we really miss them, and they didn’t know.
It is happen to me.
I miss him badly.
I wish him to call me… asking me how’s my night, my morning, my days or my dreams, and he didn’t.
Oh dear, how do I live like that, can you feel this? can you hear me?
I need you here, beside me.
I have so many words want to share with you. Only with you.
Please, talk to me. I’m waiting here.
Oh dear, I’m out of mind, unconscious.

So, keep me awake.